Ok, so, online dating is all well and good, but the “dating” part only comes into play when you actually meet the person in real life – if you don’t actually meet, you aren’t “dating”, you are pen pals. I like pen pals, but if I wanted a pen pal, I’d join a site to find pen pal, not to date.
As I said in my previous post, I accepted a date for Friday night. He choose a restaurant about halfway between us and when I looked it up I saw it was an “upscale Italian restaurant”. Ok, nice, must remember to tidy up and look good.
He needed to push back the time, which I agreed to – real life, sometimes scheduling is a delicate negotiation.
The big day – Friday was here. Raced home after work, had a snack, washed my face, put on fresh make-up, fluffed my hair up (big hair is The Best!), put on my dress and sweater and jewelery. Looked in the mirror. Well, it will just have to do. For better or worse, this is what I look like and there is no changing it.
Left in plenty of time, because I’m going to get lost and who knows what traffic is doing. Manage to get there without mishap, but can’t find parking, so drive right past the place, take a right and hope that I’ll be able to find my way back to the main street where the restaurant is. My phone GPS is strangely quiet, usually she tries to help me, but she said nothing.
Figured out parking is in the back, so take a hard left and pray that I’m not about to kill someone. Find a spot and all I can think is the parking is really, really dark. Not happy about that, I’m meeting a stranger, so have to remember to play this safe.
Check the phone and see he has texted me. He got caught speeding and will be a bit late, he apologizes and suggests I have a drink in the bar and relax.
Ok. I text back to confirm and say that things happen. I am pretty picky about being on time, but if you are going to let me know you are about to be late before our meeting time, I’m good with that.
Red flag: I know the highway he was on, I’ve sped on it before and not gotten caught. How fast was he going to get a ticket?
Leave the car and walk to the restaurant. Hang up my coat at the staff’s welcome suggestion and get a glass of prossecco. Chat with the staff – what I’m doing there (oohs and ahhs that is a first date) and the weather and stuff and nonsense. They are very kind and keep me occupied while I wait.
He arrives and I am –
Shallow.
After all my whining and complaining about not wanting to judge people on how they look, I have to tell you I do my best not to judge people based on their appearance. I do, however, have a few important caveats on this – someone must look like their profile picture (my profile picture looks like me, I expect their profile picture to look like them), if someone says they “work out”, “keep physically fit” or “go to the gym” then I expect them to be fit and healthy-looking and the most important, they must look as my dad. My dad is 72 and plays soccer at least 3 times a week.
So when he walked in and was none of these things, I was a bit confused.
But, our phone conversations were good so I greeted him warmly and we went to get a table.
The waitress offered us the choice of two tables – one by the window and the other at the back of the restaurant. I asked if it is was chilly by the window and she said “No, it is fine.” So I turned to him and said “How about by the window?” He agreed and when we got to the table he said “Oh, no, it is cold, lets sit at the back, it will be quieter anyway.” The waitress agreed.
Red flag: He didn’t ask me if I was ok with switching tables.
Waitress sets us up at the table, it is very nice. And asks about drinks, I say water and confirm that tap is great. He asks about San Pellegrino and orders a large bottle, for himself.
We get the menus and start chatting.
He decides that he will have “something light”. When asked I say probably the salmon, but I want to check with the waitress first. She comes back, shares the specials and I ask her about creme brulee – ‘cuz if if on the menu, I’m getting it! It is peach, so my end game is ready.
I’m going to have the salmon and at this point I’m hungry so I’m going to get a salad as well.
He looks at the salmon and decides he is going to get it as well.
Waitress comes back and we order – salad, salmon and creme brulee for me, for him salmon – only could he not have the sauce it comes with? The waitress agrees to tell the kitchen. Oh, and could he have something other than potatoes? She suggests risotto. He comments he has never had it before. She asks about crostini for the table and he says “I don’t know what that is.”, she explains and he agrees. Waitress returns a moment later and gives him the choice of two risottos, he chooses the sweet pea one.
I have this moment, while I’m listening to him make these changes where I think “Oh! This guy is Meg Ryan from ‘When Harry Met Sally’. High maintenance. Yikes.”
Red flag: Ordering off-menu isn’t cool.
Caveat: Unless you have dietary restrictions and it is relatively easy to modify. Example, if there is something I really want and it has bacon on it I ask if the bacon can be removed or on the side, but that is far as it goes. No changing sauces or sides. Usually I try to order something that doesn’t need any modification.
So we settle into the conversation.
He asks me, very bluntly about being Buddhist.
When did asking someone in detail about their belief system become cool on a first date?
I talk about it as much I’m comfortable, I’m pretty comfortable, but I’m rather a private person. I like to share things with people who are looking or questioning or interested, but I don’t like explaining my journey unless you are asking in context.
He tells me, in detail about his day and meetings and what it is he is currently working on. Sounds interesting, but so much detail!
We continue talking, my salad and the crostini arrive, we eat. We talk and then he asks me if I’ve been on many dates since joining eHarmony, I remind him that I’ve only been on since late January so, no I haven’t. He said he has been on about 6. He then wants to tell me about a the first one where something funny happened and he would be interested in hearing my opinion.
Food arrives and he tells me:
“I was out with this woman for dinner and we were going to go for a walk and she was wearing shoes and brought boots and she took the boots out and I said ‘Those are sexy boots.’ and she said ‘Don’t use that word with me.'” and he asked me “Do you think I used the wrong word or was she being oversensitive? She seemed really offended.”
I sighed and said “I think she overreacted and I think you shouldn’t have said that. You were on a first date with her, you don’t know her or what her triggers and tolerances are, using a word like ‘sexy’ is very loaded to some people.”
He offered that perhaps I wouldn’t have been offended if he had said that to me, I returned “I would have tried to look at the context and tried to see what it was that you were trying to say. I wouldn’t have snapped, but I would have uncomfortable.”
Then, I went on, which I probably shouldn’t have done and recounted one of our text exchanges “We were talking about punk rock and you said you didn’t like it because there was a word you couldn’t find. I offered you some words: rebellious, anti establishment, loud, angry etc. And you texted back “Kinky”. When I go that text, I was a bit shocked because that is a loaded word and we were talking about music.”
He jumped in, “But I googled ‘kinky’ and it said all those words that you were using, so I decided to share it with you.”
I said “I realize that, I tried to take it context, it was still a loaded word to send a stranger, not knowing my tolerances, not knowing me and talking about music.”
We went on and at one point he said “This is good for me, this is great coaching, I really appreciate the feed back.”
I concluded “In this time and place, a woman could be and should be sexy, but you aren’t allowed to comment on it, nor should you. Maybe she also overreacted, but you can’t say these things to women you don’t know.”
I thought it was closed, he asked for my opinion and I gave it. Topic closed.
We moved onto another topic and he suddenly said “But don’t you think he really overreacted.” I said “You really want to keep talking about this?”
Dessert menu, then dessert came. He got a couple of bites in and then flagged the waitress and asked for a glass of milk to have with his dessert. He said “So where does milk fit into being Buddhist and not eating mammals?” I explain that I don’t drink milk because I dislike but currently am eating dairy and it has nothing to do with being Buddhist or not eating mammals, I just don’t like milk.
He says that he likes having milk with dessert or something chocolate as it makes him “feel like a little kid”.
Red flag: Gross. He just referred to liking feeling like a little kid on a date. Ew.
We are done.
He pays the bill. I grab my purse but don’t offer to split, bad me but I know there isn’t going to be another date and he asked and chose the venue, this is his to pay.
He pays in cash and we wait, awkwardly for the waitress to get the cheque and then bring change.
We leave the table, get my coat, he helps me on with my coat – very nice! – and then we walk in the direction of our cars. I request that he leave me at the corner to where my car it, thank him and we part ways.
Get to my car, get in, lock the doors start the car, text a friend so she knows I am on my way home. Text her again when I’m home.
I call him Saturday morning to say thank you and that he is not for me. He agreed and said that I really seemed to get worked up about the topic of using certain words and couldn’t let it go. Actually, I just said to him “You aren’t for me.” while he started to give me a list of my behaviour. Seriously, when you are interested you don’t have to tell someone about their bad behaviour, just say “Not interested.” it is so much kinder.
Adventures in dating.
