Archives for posts with tag: bad

Ok, so, online dating is all well and good, but the “dating” part only comes into play when you actually meet the person in real life – if you don’t actually meet, you aren’t “dating”, you are pen pals. I like pen pals, but if I wanted a pen pal, I’d join a site to find  pen pal, not to date.

As I said in my previous post, I accepted a date for Friday night. He choose a restaurant about halfway between us and when I looked it up I saw it was an “upscale Italian restaurant”. Ok, nice, must remember to tidy up and look good.

He needed to push back the time, which I agreed to – real life, sometimes scheduling is a delicate negotiation.

The big day – Friday was here. Raced home after work, had a snack, washed my face, put on fresh make-up, fluffed my hair up (big hair is The Best!), put on my dress and sweater and jewelery. Looked in the mirror. Well, it will just have to do. For better or worse, this is what I look like and there is no changing it.

Left in plenty of time, because I’m going to get lost and who knows what traffic is doing. Manage to get there without mishap, but can’t find parking, so drive right past the place, take a right and hope that I’ll be able to find my way back to the main street where the restaurant is. My phone GPS is strangely quiet, usually she tries to help me, but she said nothing.

Figured out parking is in the back, so take a hard left and pray that I’m not about to kill someone. Find a spot and all I can think is the parking is really, really dark. Not happy about that, I’m meeting a stranger, so have to remember to play this safe.

Check the phone and see he has texted me. He got caught speeding and will be a bit late, he apologizes and suggests I have a drink in the bar and relax.

Ok. I text back to confirm and say that things happen. I am pretty picky about being on time, but if you are going to let me know you are about to be late before our meeting time, I’m good with that.

Red flag: I know the highway he was on, I’ve sped on it before and not gotten caught. How fast was he going to get a ticket?

Leave the car and walk to the restaurant. Hang up my coat at the staff’s welcome suggestion and get a glass of prossecco. Chat with the staff – what I’m doing there (oohs and ahhs that is a first date) and the weather and stuff and nonsense. They are very kind and keep me occupied while I wait.

He arrives and I am –

Shallow.

After all my whining and complaining about not wanting to judge people on how they look, I have to tell you I do my best not to judge people based on their appearance. I do, however, have a few important caveats on this – someone must look like their profile picture (my profile picture looks like me, I expect their profile picture to look like them), if someone says they “work out”, “keep physically fit” or “go to the gym” then I expect them to be fit and healthy-looking and the most important, they must look as my dad. My dad is 72 and plays soccer at least 3 times a week.

So when he walked in and was none of these things, I was a bit confused.

But, our phone conversations were good so I greeted him warmly and we went to get a table.

The waitress offered us the choice of two tables – one by the window and the other at the back of the restaurant. I asked if it is was chilly by the window and she said “No, it is fine.” So I turned to him and said “How about by the window?” He agreed and when we got to the table he said “Oh, no, it is cold, lets sit at the back, it will be quieter anyway.” The waitress agreed.

Red flag: He didn’t ask me if I was ok with switching tables.

Waitress sets us up at the table, it is very nice. And asks about drinks, I say water and confirm that tap is great. He asks about San Pellegrino and orders a large bottle, for himself.

We get the menus and start chatting.

He decides that he will have “something light”. When asked I say probably the salmon, but I want to check with the waitress first. She comes back, shares the specials and I ask her about creme brulee – ‘cuz if if on the menu, I’m getting it! It is peach, so my end game is ready.

I’m going to have the salmon and at this point I’m hungry so I’m going to get a salad as well.

He looks at the salmon and decides he is going to get it as well.

Waitress comes back and we order – salad, salmon and creme brulee for me, for him salmon – only could he not have the sauce it comes with? The waitress agrees to tell the kitchen. Oh, and could he have something other than potatoes? She suggests risotto. He comments he has never had it before. She asks about crostini for the table and he says “I don’t know what that is.”, she explains and he agrees.  Waitress returns a moment later and gives him the choice of two risottos, he chooses the sweet pea one.

I have this moment, while I’m listening to him make these changes where I think “Oh! This guy is Meg Ryan from ‘When Harry Met Sally’. High maintenance. Yikes.”

Red flag: Ordering off-menu isn’t cool.

Caveat: Unless you have dietary restrictions and it is relatively easy to modify. Example, if there is something I really want and it has bacon on it I ask if the bacon can be removed or on the side, but that is far as it goes. No changing sauces or sides. Usually I try to order something that doesn’t need any modification.

So we settle into the conversation.

He asks me, very bluntly about being Buddhist.

When did asking someone in detail about their belief system become cool on a first date?

I talk about it as much I’m comfortable, I’m pretty comfortable, but I’m rather a private person. I like to share things with people who are looking or questioning or interested, but I don’t like explaining my journey unless you are asking in context.

He tells me, in detail about his day and meetings and what it is he is currently working on. Sounds interesting, but so much detail!

We continue talking, my salad and the crostini arrive, we eat. We talk and then he asks me if I’ve been on many dates since joining eHarmony, I remind him that I’ve only been on since late January so, no I haven’t. He said he has been on about 6. He then wants to tell me about a the first one where something funny happened and he would be interested in hearing my opinion.

Food arrives and he tells me:

“I was out with this woman for dinner and we were going to go for a walk and she was wearing shoes and brought boots and she took the boots out and I said ‘Those are sexy boots.’ and she said ‘Don’t use that word with me.'” and he asked me “Do you think I used the wrong word or was she being oversensitive? She seemed really offended.”

I sighed and said “I think she overreacted and I think you shouldn’t have said that. You were on a first date with her, you don’t know her or what her triggers and tolerances are, using a word like ‘sexy’ is very loaded to some people.”

He offered that perhaps I wouldn’t have been offended if he had said that to me, I returned “I would have tried to look at the context and tried to see what it was that you were trying to say. I wouldn’t have snapped, but I would have uncomfortable.”

Then, I went on, which I probably shouldn’t have done and recounted one of our text exchanges “We were talking about punk rock and you said you didn’t like it because there was a word you couldn’t find. I offered you some words: rebellious, anti establishment, loud, angry etc. And you texted back “Kinky”. When I go that text, I was a bit shocked because that is a loaded word and we were talking about music.”

He jumped in, “But I googled ‘kinky’ and it said all those words that you were using, so I decided to share it with you.”

I said “I realize that, I tried to take it context, it was still a loaded word to send a stranger, not knowing my tolerances, not knowing me and talking about music.”

We went on and at one point he said “This is good for me, this is great coaching, I really appreciate the feed back.”

I concluded “In this time and place, a woman could be and should be sexy, but you aren’t allowed to comment on it, nor should you. Maybe she also overreacted, but you can’t say these things to women you don’t know.”

I thought it was closed, he asked for my opinion and I gave it. Topic closed.

We moved onto another topic and he suddenly said “But don’t you think he really overreacted.” I said “You really want to keep talking about this?”

Dessert menu, then dessert came. He got a couple of bites in and then flagged the waitress and asked for a glass of milk to have with his dessert. He said “So where does milk fit into being Buddhist and not eating mammals?” I explain that I don’t drink milk because I dislike but currently am eating dairy and it has nothing to do with being Buddhist or not eating mammals, I just don’t like milk.

He says that he likes having milk with dessert or something chocolate as it makes him “feel like a little kid”.

Red flag: Gross. He just referred to liking feeling like a little kid on a date. Ew.

We are done.

He pays the bill. I grab my purse but don’t offer to split, bad me but I know there isn’t going to be another date and he asked and chose the venue, this is his to pay.

He pays in cash and we wait, awkwardly for the waitress to get the cheque and then bring change.

We leave the table, get my coat, he helps me on with my coat – very nice! – and then we walk in the direction of our cars. I request that he leave me at the corner to where my car it, thank him and we part ways.

Get to my car, get in, lock the doors start the car, text a friend so she knows I am on my way home. Text her again when I’m home.

I call him Saturday morning to say thank you and that he is not for me. He agreed and said that I really seemed to get worked up about the topic of using certain words and couldn’t let it go. Actually, I just said to him “You aren’t for me.” while he started to give me a list of my behaviour. Seriously, when you are interested you don’t have to tell someone about their bad behaviour, just say “Not interested.” it is so much kinder.

Adventures in dating.

 

 

Didn’t really understand what was up with today – spent most of the working day, decidedly, not working and chatting instead with a dear friend and the trials that the week-end brought on him.

Another colleague of mine ended up shedding a few tears – also fallout from the week-end.

The flirt of last week suddenly played it safe, cutting paper into squares and shying away from danger, where last week was playfully flexing muscles and diving head-first.

The culmination was my four-year-old niece, suddenly sighing between bites of her dinner and saying “Today was a long day.”. Oh, the insight of children.

No idea what was up – until a friend’s post said it and said it all “Rainy days and Mondays…”

The weather turned over the week-end and it seems we found the missing days of winter.

For my part, well, I’d be a liar indeed if I told you my eyes remained dry, my heart remained unmoved. Yes, tender around the edges and weepy as well, especially listening to friends go through what they go are going through.

It irks me to blame the weather. I don’t live in a novel, this is not pathetic fallacy, it is just, at times, evoking pathos? but, today, I make the exception and quote: “My features form with the change in the weather…”

Before heading out and off to the impromptu and very last-minute training session today I did some catching-up on FB and heard the news that Jack Layton passed away this morning at his home, with his family.

For those who don’t know who Jack Layton is, was, quite simply he was the one responsible for the recent renewed interest in the political Left in Canada, which is represented by a party known as the NDP (New Democratic Party).

The NDP for years has been considered “the third party” in Canada, a party with official status (meaning $$) but not a party that Canadians considered seriously for either government or as the Official Opposition. Our last Federal election that changed and the NDP, under Jack’s leadership became the Official Opposition with Jack as the leader. It was, for many who lean like myself, an election whose results left us with mixed emotions – our Government was Right, but the NDP had its best showing ever.

Jack will be missed, he brought me and those who roll along similar thoughts and views, hope.

Rest in peace, Jack and thank you.

Sorry, I didn’t even say.

Heard the news Blake Edwards died . Long live Blake Edwards!

Mr. Edwards, thank you for the laughs, thank you for loving the world enough to entertain us and thank you for loving Julie Andrews – we all do, but you got to marry her – lucky you!

You made our world a lot more funny with you in it. The world is a slightly less funny place without you.

Thanks, Mr. Edwards.

(title shamelessly stolen from David Bowie’s “Lets Dance”)

That was me –  crying at my desk this afternoon. Sobbing and wishing for different words, different news. Yep, me.

And yes, that was my dear friend, on the other end of the line, being a cucumber, explaining things using words I understand and being patient with me.

I want the people I love to be happy and cared for and in thriving relationships. I want everyone to have the kind of love that my parents did (do? did? help me out here) to kiss each other after work, to play footsie under the table after 25 years of marriage, to be able to fight and still come together. Don’t we all deserve this in a relationship?

So, yes, I’m a complete cry-baby when relationships bust up.

This made that job I had working with the family law lawyer very difficult – mostly separations and divorces, give me Estate Law any day.

And yes, she told me not to worry about her and we both accept that I am going to worry.

On the upside – she is doing the right thing. You can only fight for a relationship by yourself for so long. I know exactly how this is. This is a good thing. Sometimes some relationships just run their course. Sometimes you either fall together or your fall apart.

Sometimes you have to re-focus and ask “What would make me happy?” and be prepared to answer honestly.

Another upside – one of my colleagues brought me some chai. Little bit of sweet, just enough milk. It was lovely and surprising. It was just such a nice surprise – I almost cried I was so happy. Cared for.

This post could have been titled “Cry baby Monday”.

Additional upside – that radio station played David Bowie’s “Let Dance”. I love that song. It makes me feel so cool. Connected.

Also, I bought a gas cap for my car  – where did the old one go? – and found out that I don’t need an appointment to get the car’s oil changed, and I was all nervous about phoning and making an appointment. Gesh – all that wasted emotion!

Try as I might, I just figure out the “upside” to feeling like this.

After getting all caught up on writing on Sunday, I made some plans for a hot stone massage with a friend in mid-November (some people are just that busy!), had some tea and threw up.

Four (4!) days spent in bed, losing bits of nutrition in very messy and painful ways. Sleeping too much. Being bored out of my skull when I’m awake, ‘cuz it isn’t like I can do anything.

Three days of waking up at normal time, only to either lose my breakfast or feel like my breakfast would be lost at any moment.

Two days of being able to get into the shower and get clean, for work.

One day, today, getting to work, only have to leave four hours later.

It is enough to make a person cry.

So, the positives.

I’ve spent a lot of time with my plushies.

Here is what I have learned:

Rufus, the toque-wearing puppy-dog has matured enough to now be a fine example to stuffed-animal dogs everywhere. When Rufus was new, he was a “bed gypsy”, he wandered all over the bed at night and I would find him in very unlikely (and sometimes very comfortable!) places. Rufus, now stays put and cuddles nicely. Good for Rufus!

Carlito the Caribou is young but wise. When I complained and asked Carlito why I was sick, Carlito simply said nothing and stared at me until I stopped asking stupid questions. Pretty smart for a tiny caribou!

The other ones don’t seem to begrudge being on the shelf, I mean they have a pretty good view of things, including outside and from what I saw today, the leaves are lovely.

Funny, the more I think about it, the more this October feels like…February.

I’s so sick of being sick.

When did my blood pressure get so high?

I used to have perfect blood pressure. I could tell when it was rising and why and could get it under control easily and quickly.

It’s high.

Too high.

Like “I don’t want to worry you, but you may want to see you doctor” high.

Gesh.

When did this happen.

And where did my perfect blood pressure go?

Yes, I did join a gym yesterday – joining a new gym is totally stressful…I blame that for my high blood pressure.

So there.

Making the most of the final day of a long week, found myself waking up early and off to the movies to finally see for myself the wreckage that is “The Last Air Bender”.

Ugh.

Loved the previews – “Green Lantern” looks to be a hoot, they look like they have finally expressed just how cool Kato is, which does my heart good. Loved the TV series with Bruce Lee. Another couple of animated features look like fun and I can’t wait to see “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”, the next Disney feature based on a ride.

The movie itself. Interesting concept. I think I would really enjoy the series or even the comic book, but the movie was. Kind of boring. Whenever a movie starts with “Book 1”, it has already ticked me off.

This is a movie, first, not a book. At least call it “Chapter 1” or “Part 1” or do what Star Wars did and start somewhere in the middle, so we don’t feel like “man, I have to see more of these to get the full story?” I think this story is going to be…four movies long. Makes sense, right? Four elements, four movies?

The plot was quite uneventful. I mean, nothing much happens, we get some little battles between the major hero and met the minor and major baddies, which is always fun. We learn that fire = industry, which is totally evil – big surprise – and that water = emotion, which is totally good – another big surprise.

We got to hear about “chi” and the concepts of “yin and yang” and learned about how white people are the major players and the wisest among people and if you aren’t white you are either evil, a minor character or lacking in wisdom.

Hm. Interesting lessons being taught here.

I’m pretty sick of hearing about Eastern Philosophical concepts presented by the Hollywood establishment from white-cast characters. Seriously.

When I want a white man to talk to me about the imagery of water I will read Alan Watts.  I read Alan Watts. He gets it and presents it to us in a way that we understand and can feel and think about.

This whole thing about audiences not being ready to see “non-white faces in leading roles” is bunk. Many of us crave to see ourselves, our family, our friends, our neighbours on-screen.

Disappointing from a director who we know is non-white.

I hope the producers of this film get it soon – we can handle non-white actors in non-white roles. We want to see more of ourselves, of our society on-screen.

And Hollywood? Time to go back to Storytelling 101 – tell the story and get on with it, stop making films that involve us having to attend the theatre many times to get the whole story. I don’t want to invest four years of my life into a story that can’t even be arsed to tell an interesting first chapter.

Gesh.

I wish I could see myself slip and fall.

Today it was truly spectacular – I said “hello” to someone right near the end of the day, hit a wet stop on the floor and took a tumble. I didn’t hit the floor. Grabbed the hand rail and leaned my hip against the wall. My feet went back under me and I stood up.

The person I spoke to said “I guess it is slippery there.”

“Yes. Pretty awesome fall!”

I took a bow and sent “Hope you enjoyed the show!”

Whoa.

I’m going crazy waiting for the WC to begin.  Seriously!

Go Brazil!

I think I’m pretty funny when I slip and fall – it is hilarious and I meet so few people who laugh when it happens.

Another Thursday.

The Good: Today is Uncle Basil’s Birthday!

The Bad: There is no ice cream cake.

The Good: The are lots of moose  in Newfoundland.

The Bad: People get hurt crashing cars into moose.

The Good: I don’t live in Newfoundland.

The Good: I own a moose plushie. So if someone crashed into this moose, no one would get hurt.

The Bad: Except my plushie moose.

The Good: Last night, I totally got up that climb that was giving me trouble.

The Embarassing: It was a 5.8.

The Good: It was on steep incline, so at one point I was hanging on with my hands while my feet where off the wall, hanging in space

The Bad: Doing that sacred the heck out of me.

The Conclusion: I’m still afraid of heights.

The Good: I’m climbing again on Saturday.

The Bad: Today is Thursday.

The Worse: Broccoli for dinner.

The Good: I don’t have to eat it!

The Better:  I just had roasted, salted cashews as a snack!

The Bad: I only got one thing completed at work today.

The Good: My colleagues know that I only got one thing completed at work today but they know that one thing is really, really important.

The Bad: I’m really, really behind at work.

The Good: My manager knows this, accepts it and assures me that everything is ok.

The Bad: The one thing was a survey.

The Good: I get to work with people I really like.

The Plan: A colleague and I are going drinking together.

The Bad: It cold and it is still winter.

The Good: The windshield wiper squirter on the driver’s side of my car works.

The Bad: I don’t know the right term for “windshield wiper squirter”.

The Odd: I own a car.

The Bad: I’m cold and sore.

The Best: I’m having a hot bath after dinner!

All in all, a pretty good Thursday.  One down, 51 more to go..