Today I did two things that I’ve been putting off – two things I didn’t want to do, two things that, once completed, meant that they were never to be done again.

I wrote condolences for two people I love and admire who died at the end of the year.

And look. I realize that I keep using the present tense for people who are dead, just becuz they are dead doesn’t mean how I feel stopped and is in the past.

I wanted to say the right thing. For both of them. And at the same time, I didn’t want to say goodbye to either of them.

So I did it. Imperfect and grateful. Hopeful and sad.

What I wanted to say was “Thank you”. Mostly thank you. For listening, for sharing you with me. For making me laugh and smile and doing these tiny things that you probably didn’t know you were doing. Didn’t know I needed or valued.

Thanks for telling me about the love you have for your children and grandchildren, thank you for sharing jokes with me, for making it ok to find people attractive.

Thank you for being silly  with me in the middle of our serious work. Thank you for smiling and laughing in moments when I didn’t t believe I could.

Thank you for inspiring me to be quiet in my joy and loud in my pain. 

I just.

You both gave me different things, different gifts and I’m grateful for them all.

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