Archives for the month of: August, 2016

I was actually going to write about eavesdropping today – I ate breakfast on my balacony and, somewhere to the North, maybe a block away, I hear music. I kept my radio off this morning so I could the sounds of the city and, lo, music! I don’t know where it’s coming from or why, but it sounds a bit like Chinese opera. And what is that buzzing?

Before writing  this post, I decided to take a look at page I added years ago “bexisms”. I read the things that help me in my life and the comments from people who entered my life briefly, for a time. And you know. I still use these to live and get through my days – weather still has no impact on my mood, but amount of sleep and how much water I’ve had does, I still believe in comfortable shoes (so much so that I recently found a cobbler to help me take care of my comfy, cute shoes so I don’t have to buy new ones and risk discomfort). 

I still do things that scare me – talk to strangers, go to speed dating nights, offer strangers advice and do things by myself. 

If I could figure out a way to edit this page, I’d add to these 19 bexisms, I’m still discovering what works for me.

These are some things I would add today:

19. Drinks water. Like. It doesn’t matter if you sip or gulp, but drink enough that you have to pee about every hour while you are awake and your pee is a pale yellow. Our systems all have a base of water so if you drink water regularly, your systems will all improve. Don’t wait until your are thirsty. If it doesn’t appeal to you or you don’t like the taste, make it beautiful – get a new water cup hat is used only for water and that you love,  add cucumber or lime or strawberries of whatever to give it a taste that you enjoy.

20. 19 is also true for green tea, but you have to be careful of how it’s processed, some green tea can cause liver damage so be aware of where you are getting your green tea.

21. Get enough sleep.  For me it’s around 8 hours a night but I can go with far less for a couple of days in a row. But I’m unhappy when this happens. Some people are good with 4, some people need 9. Whatever you need, stick to it regularly. 

22. Speak out. This is a hard one and one I’m learning. We have a lot of problems in this place and there are people who embrace fear and let it turn to hatred. They say terrible, hurtful things. Be calm but confront them, if you feel safe to do so. It is not enough to say you are an ally and then let others do the work – if you are masculine and say that you support feminism then stand up to your friends when they are saying something misogynistic and if you say you aren’t racist the speak up when someone is doing or saying racist things. We deserve a nicer place and we need our allies to act and speak out.

23. Thanks for doing that. 

24. We all have our own stories but you can safely assume that everyone you meet has dreams, fears, is loved and has lived through heartbreak. Listen to their story. Tell them you hear them. You don’t and won’t like everyone you meet and t up to you to save them, but be kind and remember you probably have a lot in common.

25. Core strength matters. Your core is the centre of your body and your being. It protects your spine and your organs. It makes you walk tall, turn, sit up straight. Also, you look good.

Of course, none of these will be found on that page, cuz I can’t figure out how to edit it. Sometimes the next best thing is a-ok.

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I keep thinking about writing. About words I want to say or share or things I want tot tell you about. How to tell you ab all that’s happening, all that is happening. Everything in my heart and my mind and everything on my skin.

Skin is a painful topic. 

I’ve been having hard conversations recently, about racism, feeling hard things about how I define and defend myself. My eyes are sensitive in a different way. My ears are too. And my mouth, my mouth doesn’t know what to say. How I can explain “being black” when I’m kind of not? How do I help my friends understand when I’m not truly understanding of the issues myself? How do I call out privilege when I know I’ve benefitted from it?

And then ther is food and the body. I don’t know where to begin here. Or where to end. My body is getting stronger, which I love but feeding it is…well, privilege…privilege of having enough resources that I’ve never gone hungry when I’ve wanted to be fed. Some days it seems like so much effort to eat.

I lost something last week.

I’m not sure what to without it. It was a part of me, a huge part of who I am and was woven into my personal stories and mythologies. I’m not sure who I am without it.

After my first trapeze class, last Saturday, there wasn’t any fear. No fear of heights, no trace of having been afraid and no signs that it was ever a part of me. I think it slipped out of my mouth when I was hanging upside down.

When we cling so strongly to fear, who are we when its gone?

My fear clung to me too.

I miss it. I ache for it. I’m lonley for it.

It’s been with me for so long that I don’t remember a time without it, although I know there much have been – I used to love gymnastics, doing bars and beam. We found each other later, perhaps?

What if al my fears slip out my mouth or exit my ears when I’m upside down or dreaming? Without these fears to limit me, to challenge me to keep me reigned in and fenced off, who will I be? When ther are no limits, how will I know where my heart ends and begins?

More importantly, what I am going to have to to do to feel it again?