Archives for the month of: September, 2010

Oddly sensitive around the edges.

Computer problems abound – could not fix the error message at all. Two unplanned hours installing updates that kept freezing the system, re-starting only to cause the same error message.

Frustration seeps into my eyes and shoulders. Concentration pulling my lips and forehead down. This problem is solving.

Implied accusation again – of being shallow, one-dimensional enough that happiness, cheerfulness is the only functional emotion that I display. Sometimes problems need focus, silences, concentration.

I want to deny this role “It is not for me to always be upbeat and cheerful, I hurt and bled the same as you. You be upbeat for a change. You be bubbles for a change. Let me concentrate and solve this problem. Let me work, I can solve this, give me quiet, stay away from my door…”

Radio show last about suicide, got swept up in the stories of the notes left – filled with sorrysorrysorrys and explanations that the ones left would be free from responsibility.

Learned about the “Suicide Brain Bank”, the oldest brain bank in the country, where the keep the brains of suicides. Half the brain in formaldehyde, the other half-frozen, to be sliced up into infinite slices for “use”.

Me – sad, achingly sad, awake half the night, tossing, turning, thinking of bisected brains, split cerebellums and hacked corpus callosums.

It hurts my heart to know.

Title of the episode: To be or not to be.


And make prostitution legal in Canada.

At the end of the next 30 days, if the government is not granted a stay on this decision, it is will be legal in Canada for “common bawdy houses” to run, to communicate for the purposes of prostitution and to live of the avails of prostitution.

Stories on the radio of rub & tugs popping up in the city, brothels operating in the ‘burbs and people casting (verbal) stones at women who have been victimized and continue are still victimized.

Miss reading the news for one day and the world changes.

I have to laugh at all the people who say that this, THIS, is the downfall of our society – haven’t they ever watched reality TV?

I want to eat this food forever.

I want to drink this tea for the rest of my life.

I want to spend time in your company for always.

Addictions – yes, but ones that ok to live with, right?

Addictions and obsessions “bad” things, but I think there is some positive side to both. Both can lead to supreme focus in a certain topic, habit or area of interest. Did Darwin dabble? Is the Dali Llama a coffee shop Buddhist? Did Shakespeare only write things to get grades?

I don’t know where this idea that focus and passion are bad things, that living and breathing for something is somehow maladjusted.

Things to think about.

Our brains are perfectly wired for addiction.

It is to keep us with one is safe, known, the same?

Keep us out of danger, in an evolutionary way?

Keep us coming back to safe things, tested things, things that we can live through and see to the other side?

Things that we can live with?

Addiction can be ridiculous (swimming 6 laps before stretching 8 different ways), dangerous (falling over and over into destructive thoughts), intensely private (re-reading the Harry Potter books once every two years),  sublime (listening to the same song for ten days in a row and only that one song) and  boring (one cup chocolate soy milk every day, every morning).

Been breaking it down, looking at these addiction that keep me safe in my life and figuring out what I can live with, what I can live without. Tidying around the corners to life more…just “more”, I guess.

Yoga instead of climbing today.

The capillaries in the fingers and toes – refreshed, energized and renewed.

Diaphragm not yet becoming lazy – the oxygen infuse every part of me.

My brain – went off-line.

The body – awake and ready.

To relax and simply be and breathe and feel the blood and lymph flowing.

So, yeah, great yoga class.

What is the word for my paternal aunt’s mother-in-law?

What is the word that explains the feeling of “happy for you, sad for me”?

What is word for “you are perfect, please change”?

What is the word for dreadful happiness?

Shameful joy?

Guilty pleasures?

Does any of these things have words?

Why is our language so clumsy and inaccurate?

Why did we let economics and warriors create our language when we could have listened to artists and poets?


What I learned today: It is possible to lead a good life. I have seen what it is to live a good life. It made me…happy.

I want to perform photosynthesis.

Nothing but sunshine, water and the chlorophyll in my skin – keeping me alive, feeding me. How lovely never have to go shopping for food again, but to make it myself, keep myself alive.

Bring it on evolution – I’m ready, ready, ready!

I once ran across this position by some philosopher who said that physically, biologically, humans were as probably as good as we were going to get. That only way left for us to evolve, to get better, to survive more, was to morally evolve. Ethically progress and become more as humans.

This position haunts me – how do we evolve morally? It isn’t like we sit around and try to morally progress with each other or alone. We don’t generally sit in contemplation.

If anything, more and more I feel like I’m living in Rome, just before The Fall. I’m astounded and astonished by the decadence, the easy pleasures, the lack of personal responsibility, and on tap pleasures. “If you want it, here it is, come and get it…”

What has happened to our moral evolution?

And if we don’t morally evolve as humans, what do we become?

Sleep troubles.

Had a one and half hour lie-in to compensate and made it in one hour late.

Everything happened one hour later than usual.

Missed swimming – there was a class – got confused about lunch time, around for the mail delivery and couldn’t get warm. Fixed that one with a sauna.

Had all these witty things to say, they flew out of my brain at the news on the drive home.

A sixteen year girl was gang raped in BC and pictures of it have been posted all over the web – Facebook, passed from cell phone to cell phone.

We have become a society of onlookers.

We are complicit in this act – all of us who see the pics on Facebook, who took the pictures, who don’t call the person who forwards us these pics, we are part of this crime.

I sometimes don’t recognize where I am – how can this time and place be somewhere I can live, how is it somewhere anyone can live?

No one lives here anymore – we watch it happen, we see pics of it and we look on.

We have to stop looking.

We have to act.

When did my blood pressure get so high?

I used to have perfect blood pressure. I could tell when it was rising and why and could get it under control easily and quickly.

It’s high.

Too high.

Like “I don’t want to worry you, but you may want to see you doctor” high.


When did this happen.

And where did my perfect blood pressure go?

Yes, I did join a gym yesterday – joining a new gym is totally stressful…I blame that for my high blood pressure.

So there.

Total failure to find an acceptable place to stay in Paris lead to a conversation and revised plans.

Now – a few days back up at the lovely place in Haliburton with the kicking spa. In fall there are several interesting activities, including a canoe trip, boat cruise and some guided walks. Very nice and most importantly, very relaxing.

This year for Xmas – back somewhere warm and sunny!  Maybe Costa Rica? Maybe Jamaica.

Lesson learned – somethings you have to plan for a year in advance and some things you can just do on the spur of the moment. The trick is knowing which is which.