The Rock

I am so out of climbing shape.

And I know, I know, I climb twice a week, but this past Saturday we finally got outside, on a Women’s Climbing Day and man, I am so out of climbing shape! The large muscles hurt!

Dude!

But what an awesome day – climbing with women, we formed a subculture within a subculture! How awesome is that? I don’t even know what you call that…a sub-subculture? But when it is climbing, shouldn’t you call it like…an acroculture? A sub-acroculture?

I don’t know.

What a day!

I got exactly one climb in, before freaking out and having issues with the chalk and yeah, so what, it was 3 times longer than a usual route indoors, still, pathetic.

But, I got outside. I shut up. I climbed.

So, yeah, looks like it is shaping up to be an awesome climbing summer…

The wall

So being a climber, someone who climbs, and being afraid of heights often presents some interesting problems.

There is this one wall at our climbing gym, it has 3 climbing routes on it and, like all the walls, the routes change-up on a regular, yet unpredictable basis. But this wall slants towards you, so as you climb you have this feeling of falling and, if you fall, the rope will swing you out over the mats. I hate the swing.

We had been working on this one route, a 5.10- and a couple of sessions ago, I made it the furthest I’ve ever made it up and I promised myself and my climbing partner – next time I tried that route I would get up and not be so focused on the “Oh noes, I’m gonna fall and swing!” and more focused on the “I’m getting up this route!”

We climbed tonight and…

The route changed.

No longer a 5.10-. Which totally sucks, I was going to make up, even it killed all my other attempts.

But.

But!

It is now a 5.9!

My climbing partner made it up, easy as can be, she made it look easy. She came down and said “bex, you can do it. don’t think about the slant, don’t think about falling, just go.”

I went.

I totally did it!

First time I’ve ever completed a route on the slanted wall!

I’m so happy. And proud of both my climbing partner and of me!

It is a great falling, to try and try and fail again and again. And then, one day, probably a Tuesday – you succeed.

And you realize – that wasn’t so bad after all…

Quests, questions and answers

After 5 climbs this morning – 2 x 5.9 + 1 x 5.8 + 2 x 5.10- – it was lunch and then a random quest.

This week, I’m making cupcakes.

Only.

Well, they are all in honour of Lupercalia, so I’m “theme-ing” them. All designed to keep werewolves away, you know what I mean.

The first flavour is lemon-lavender. Which, is one of my very fav flavour combos. Only, to do it safely, you have use culinary lavender, which is cultivated without pesticides. Weeds aren’t the only things that pesticides kill or make sick.

Only trouble is, culinary lavender is hard to find, if you don’t live near a lavender farm.

I don’t live near a lavender farm.

So…

The next flavour is a Mayan chocolate – this one is a tribute to Soma’s Mayan hot chocolate mix. I love chocolate, but pair chocolate with spice – orange peel, ginger, cinnamon, chipotle peppers…well, it takes it to a whole new level. Depth and height and a complexity of taste

The final flavour is champagne with rose icing. But, earlier today, I was trying to figure out what the rose-flavour would be…I was thinking rose water…which is too sweet, but will probably be ok.

Ok, so first stop is Soma, the King Street West Location. The location is beautiful, calm and serene. The goodies are all neatly organized in pretty packages and looks like there are some new sizes. I pick up the large size of the Mayan Hot Chocolate mix and a pack of the ‘lady’s kisses’ cookies, ‘cuz…yum. Ok?

After I pay, I linger and chat and ogle the truffles.

Mental note to self: return soon and get some of those balsamic vinegar truffles…

Cross the street and take a look-see for culinary lavender in this shop that from the outside, seems to be all about fresh and herbs.

Nope, not here.

Onto transit, get off at the last stop and, instead of getting another streetcar, I walk.

This is stupid mistake. It is cold outside and this walk is a lot longer in the cold.

I make it to a super grocery store and figure on a look-see and, nope. Not here either.

Back out into the cold and -

Suddenly, there I am.

The boy behind the counter greets me with a cheery “that is a big hood!”

My coat really has a big hood. It is very warm.

I agree and explain my quest to the boy.

He helps me out. After many loud expressions about how he didn’t know lavender could be eaten.

I describe the cupcake flavour – lemon-lavender – and then talk about garlic-lemon-lavender roast chicken. He remarks that his mum loves lavender, so I tell him he should try cooking something for her.

Then I tell him about the Mayan Chocolate flavour and show him the package.

Just before we ring it up – it hits me.

I’m in this totally cool store and they have all sots of things, so why not get rosewater while I’m here.

We run around the store looking for it.

No luck.

No rosewater.

But -

The boy finds dried roses.

me: can we eat these?

the boy: people use them to make tea.

me: that means we can eat them.

I explain the remaining flavour and somehow, we end up trading movie recommendations.

Suddenly -

the boy: why are you cool?

me: why?

the boy: I mean, how are you so cool?

This is a question I cannot answer. I just am.

And with this weather, I’m not cool, I’m cold.

Make it to the train station, on the train and off to the grocery store to get the raw materials for making the “cake’ parts of the cupcakes. And without a list, I’m forgetful and neglect a few things.

At home, I clean, prep for making a mess, you know.

Do the floors, do the dishes and then make up some icing.

I’ve never worked much with dried flowers before, but I figure, why not give them a bit of liquid first, then make the icing, that way the flavour with have a change to disperse a bit and be more even.

Both work and are now stored in the fridge.

Dinner is late and a strange affair. But, yum.

Then excellent phone call with a dear friend who I’ve been woefully out of touch with recently.

Great conversation.

Some kind of excellent Saturday.

Making the most of Saturday

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.

I look forward to all week and when you are here and I am in the moment, your perfection blows away all my expectations.

Climbing in the am, 6 climbs = 1 x 5.8 (wimpy) + 3 x 5.9 + 2 x 5.10- (finally back at an appropriate difficultly!).

Then, sushi!

And you know, that alone makes for a perfect Saturday, but the fun did not stop there, on no. Me = home and it is all laundry all the time.

Then – bonus champagne and OJ arrives when mum and dad get home and…they have cake! Woooo!

Jump in the shower and do a re-fresh of the hair and the self and I’m off to see some music at a house concert hosted by two excellent friends of my bro. My bro and sis-in-law are out of luck and won’t be there, but me, I have a Saturday night, so may as well use it, right?

I’m carrying my yoga bag which has a folding lawn chair in it and you what? There aren’t many people toting around yoga mat bags at night. Just saying.

So the concert.

What I can say about it?

Tonight I’m seeing Sora.

Who, I will tell you straight up, before last night, no idea who she is. But, you know sometimes there are certain people whose tastes I just trust. Like these friends of my bro, I trust their taste, they are super friendly, super talented people, so I’m just going to go along with it, ok?

Happy I did.

Her voice was…like a bell. Clear tone, resonant and struck me right in my little heart.

As she sings, her music, gets into my bone and muscles and my ligaments unwind and my spine straightens and all that work from climbing that made my fingers and toes so sore? Slowly leaching out into the air around me, dropping into the floor.

I close my eyes and I’m just…swept clean. Swept away.

I’m not sure how to explain the music…there was harp and violin and piano (Frank even played in the second half!), but I close my eyes and I got a bit lost there. I enjoyed getting lost in there. Themes of Greek mythology and love and passion and angst and some different takes and insights into stories.

And she was wearing this beautiful corset.

And she thinks I have awesome hair!

Excellent evening.

Check her out.

Had to leave early ‘cuz it is Pilates and yoga in the am.

Hit the bed hard and sleep takes me quickly.

Up after 7.5 hours, slept for about 7, which is pretty good, the body = exhaustion.

Out the door and I’m at the gym to get in 30min of the treadmill before Pilates. Word to Pilates instructor and explain I’m going to leave class 5min early for the Hot Yoga class (which is still Warm, so happy about that). She is happy for me and encourages me to go when I have to so I make the class. Also, let her know how much I enjoy the class and how, with Hot Yoga, it is really helping me after the ole’ Saturday climb.

She is impressed with me climbing.

Huh.

Great class, she gets right into those muscles under the should blades. I don’t know what they are called, so I call them “Fred” and “George” and they are all loose and feel great.

Hot Yoga is an excellent class as well and after class, get into a conversation with the two yoga guys who are there today.

We talk about our practice, instructors and I talk about climbing.

And you know, they are both blown away that I climb and have all these questions for me. I talk about it, ‘cuz the only thing I like better than climbing is talking about climbing and you know what?

I think I convinced them both to try it! They both said that would check out the gym near where the gym is. So there you go.

After, I’m soooo hungry so it is time -

For a movie!

Yep, treated myself to a late lunch at the movie theatre.

I owe you a review for “Anonymous”.

After movie is home time! And -

Hey!

My bro, sis-in-law and niece are over for a visit.

My niece comes to greet me and she -

Is wearing one my old sweaters! It is huge on her, but she looks terribly cute. This sweater used to be my mum’s and she gave it to me when I fit into it and…my ex shrunk it when he washed it this one time. Broke my heart and I kept the, now-shrunk sweater ‘cuz I loved it so much.

For the record, this is exactly why I instructed my ex never, under any circumstances to ever, ever touch my laundry – I was afraid he would shrink something.

And he did.

Don’t worry, he learned his lesson and never touched my laundry again.

Our guests leave and now there is something yummy cooking for dinner. No idea what, but I’m sooooo looking forward to it.

Ironing for the week is done along with some other things that I found around here that were wrinkled and crying out for me. Gym clothes are on the last spin and you know what?

I’m ready for Monday!

Perfect days

Been having all these perfect days lately.

Friday was all relaxed and loose and the staff meeting was probably one of the most interesting I’ve ever been in – we had a practical session of learning how to run an IV pump.

Which has nothing to do with my job, but all my colleagues needed the training soooo…it was very cool and now I almost know how to use an IV pump.

Which is nothing that I thought I’d ever know.

But very cool.

Then two of my colleagues got new Blackberrys, which means they can do their jobs properly, which is pretty cool too.

Saturday and Sunday were these perfect golden fall days – sunny, red and yellow leaves floating down, warm and beautiful. Totally living up to the hype.

Saturday we climbed at one of our “back-up” gyms and we did ok, not great, 6 climbs = 5 x 5.9 + 1 x 5.8. Which I know isn’t great or anything, but it was good to get out, even if our normal gym was closed for the day.

Best part though, was that I drove to the gym and didn’t get lost! Then I drove to the restaurant and I didn’t get lost then either! Or going home! I didn’t get lost once all day.

After climbing it was surprise guests with yummy food and lovely wine, laundry, then early to bed.

Sunday was 2omin on the treadmill then Pilates, then yoga. Every muscle alive and wonderful – stretched and loopy. Heart pumping and oxygen working through the body.

Wonderful.

Surprise lobster dinner, a treat from my bro and sis-in-law. And the lobster was sweet and juicy. Yum-yum. Lobster in November!

And who knew that there was a lobster place so close?

Knowledge really is power.

Monday was working hard and then meet-up with a dear friend for a wonderful dinner (you know who you are!). Tasty salad, excellent bread, cheesy, tomato-y pasta with a yummy Shiraz followed by a lemony mousse cake.

But really the conversation and company made the night.

Today it was back to working hard and taking breaks with one of my new friends. Lunch too.

And two conversations with office communicator.

The back to the gym for 20min of treadmill and the weight machines.

Wow. Feels great.

Home – surprise dinner. Fish and chips. On a Tuesday! Feels like Friday night to me and the evening just seems soooo…relaxed and long and there is nothing rushed happening here. It is Tuesday evening and my gym laundry load is done, so I’m ready to hit the gym again on Wednesday.

Did I tell you about those people in the office who have hung these huge cut-out snow flakes over their cubicles?

It is pretty wild.

I think the same bunch also have some x-mas-themed chair covers. Very cheeky.

I have to laugh.

I feel like. Well, you know that feeling of being in love? I feel kind of like that, lately. Music is streaming through my little brain and smiles are always on my face.

Today, two people called me “Sunshine”, isn’t that a lovely thing to be called?

Makes me feel..warm and bright.

And a little sparkle-ly. Cheery.

I love perfect days. Just when I think they couldn’t possibly exist, along comes a whole slew of them!

I’m very lucky.

 

The Perfect Week-end

Friends, if you have ever wondered if “The Perfect Week-end” exists, I am tell you that is does. I just had a perfect week-end! It was…perfect. Totally perfect.

Friday night, spontaneous drinks after work! The getting “The News”!

Bounced out of bed Saturday am, still buzzing, smiley and ready to take on the day.

Climbing partner hurt her shoulder golfing, so we took it easy. 6 climbs = 4×5.8 + 2×5.9. Fun part was we swung like monkeys up the walls and finished our morning superfast. They weren’t hard climbs, but funfunfun.

Then apres climb brunch at the sushi place that we haven’t visited in a while. Green tea, miso soup and sushi – perfect meal.

My climbing partner dropped me off close to my next destination, with my dear friend who is also my best friend’s GF.

She let me use the shower, the hot water was soooo wonderful, I could have stayed there forever. The muscles released, the breath and heart rate calmed.

The some tea and snacks and then we were out in the world to prepare for our next event – a b-day tea at the neighbours’!

Headed over to Chapters and you know what? They finally, finally have a free loyalty card. I got one. And I got some points to go on it too.

I’m a little unclear about what you can do with the points…but there you go.

Then over to the neighbours’ place for more tea and more to eat. As a “Thanks for inviting me!” snack, I brought some chocolate covered potato chips. Which were…actually pretty good. I don’t think that those two flavours should work, but they do.

Pass the chocolate covered potato chips, please!

Then, the true event for this “Girls’ Night”.

Can you guess what was next on the agenda?

A totally and completely girly activity.

That’s right!

Ghost Walking Tour!

Perfect night – chilly, but not cold, windy but no tornado, cloudy with moonlight breaking through now and then. Good stories too. Creepy. And sad. And some a bit funny.

2 hour walk through the dark streets of TO, learning about a few things that I didn’t know before and getting a bit of a scare…yes, excellent Girls’ Night.

Call it a night soon after and home in my toasty bed at a reasonable time.

Sunday morning is the perfect day for a mini-road trip and I’m off!

Meet an excellent friend for brunch and we linger over tea and coffee. I’m tea, he is coffee.

After far too long taking up a table we adjourn to spend some time outside playing…mini-golf!

We kill ourselves laughing.

After, the day should be over, but it isn’t. We are good to go…to the movies!

We watch a movie, briefly discuss and then it is time for the day to be over.

Brilliant drive home, a bit rainy, but little traffic and once home I’m all about laundry.

And making phone calls.

Everyone is at home and they numbers all work!

Hello to a friend who is home! Congrats to my friends having a baby! And hey I miss you for my final phone call of the night.

Then.

Ironing.

After, it is a sleepy bex who climbs into bed, totally content with the perfect week-end.

For the record, today was a rather awesome Monday, and yep, even went back to hot yoga and had a better time. I’m still trying to figure out if I’m going to keep at it…hmmm.

Wow, that was some perfect week-end.

Salmon on the horizon

Whew!

5 climbs today = 1×5.8 + 2×5.9 + 2×5.10-.

Truth – the climbs were not good, I didn’t have even one good climb. They were messy and ugly and painful, my fingers are still sore, they were shaking after the first climb, which felt like it was all about finger strength, hilarious though, I asked my climbing partner if I could come down – three people, my climbing partner and 2 regulars, answered all together and said “No!”

Meanies.

My climbing partner got one more climb in, but I didn’t have anything left in me, but happy I got out and gave it a try.

I am so very out of shape…

And tired.

This may have something to do with staying out late last night…hmmm.

Yep, you read that right! Another night out for me.

Last night, it was meeting one of my dear friends for dinner and drinks.

We met at this very cool little neighbourhood gastro-pub type place and, oddly, I decided to drink rosé wine. I never drink rosé wine, but last night I felt kind of…pink.

I opted for butternut squash pear soup and for my main, one of the specials, seared scallops on a potato pancake with a pernod cream sauce. Oh. Joy. Bliss.

And you know I properly should have changed my wine to something a little more “matchy”, but whatever.

You know, one of my fav things is to drink, eat and talk brains out with a friend, this friend is someone who I should have been friends with years and years ago, but, due to me being a chicken at that time of my life…umm, I wasn’t actually a bird, I mean I was lacking in courage. I lacked in courage for a while there in my life and it was good to finally find it again…anyway, due to the lack of courage, we were not friends then and all the way through…

But, my friend believes that everything happening for a reason and thinks that us reconnecting is the universe’s way of giving us a second chance to be friends the way we are supposed, the way we should have been years ago.

You know I’m not much for the ole’ “everything happens for a reason” thing, but…sometimes there are some pretty compelling arguments out there. Like this…

So, yes, amazing company and conversation, too much to drink, wonderful food and atmosphere and too late of a night and home in bed too early in the am. Especially when climbing is on the agenda.

Ummm, I don’t actually keep an agenda with climbing marked on it.

Ok. Ok. I do.

It is noted in pen.

All my plans are in pen.

So there.

No after-climbing brunch this week, my climbing partner has plans, so we part ways and I indulge in a snack at the train station ‘cuz I’m going to freak out from hunger if I don’t.

Home and then it is time to clean house and clean laundry.

Vacuum, dust, clean both loos, expand the table, find extra chairs, iron 2 tablecloths ‘cuz the first one was a little too serious, you know what I mean.

Dad cooks up fresh corn and salmon for dinner and wow, just what I needed.

After dinner, listening to some tunes on one of my fav radio stations. Tunes, not much talking tonight. And a bit of jumping around the living room. Hey! It isn’t like I’m stirring dust  – I dusted! Best time to jump is right after you dust…

Not it is an hour before bedtime and you know, I am completely wiped out.

Excellent times, my friends, excellent times…

The only thing that could have made this day better would be if I had the energy to iron my clothes…but my fingers are soooo tired.

Suddenly Social Life

Whew!

Things got away from me in a very different kind of way after Thursday.

Totally busy Friday – hoping, people in and out and wanting and needing things and trying to keep everything on track. Stayed later than planned at work and when I got home, dad was ready to greet me with a glass of wine. Thanks dad! Exactly what I needed.

Saturday am and time to climb.

This week we ventured away from our “home gym” out to the wilds of Downsview, which is ‘burb north of TO. The place is part of this sports/rec complex that uses the buildings from the old military base. It makes for a very…military feel and super confusing roadways. Never fear, we found the place!

Eventually.

So, here we are.

We chat with the guy, complete the forms, sign our waivers and hear a version of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” with a dance beat. Actually it was kind of interesting.

Only.

Well, during the 2 hours we were there climbing, the same dance beat played underneath every single song. Two hours and not one difference beat. After that time, I turned to my climbing partner and said “I’m done. I’m at my limit with this music.”

Look, I don’t mean to put down the dance beat…it just isn’t for me. I like a change in tempo and difference in cadence and some variation that my ears and heart can abide.

We picked up lunch at the “grill” and you would think, for a “sports complex” that they would offer healthier food. Nope. We both order chicken fingers and fries. Which made me a bit loopy with all those carbs. And deep fry-ness.

My climbing partner dropped me off at a subway station and I began the long and convoluted trip home.

I don’t regret not driving, I never would have found the place had I driven there, my direction sense shows no sign of improvement…but getting home was…well, may I just say that everything that could go wrong on a trip on the transit happened and leave it at that? Bus being late, bus breaking down, having to switch buses mid-way through the route, drivers not knowing when the bus you need is coming, taking another bus that gets to the same place, only with a 20min diversion?

Yikes.

Ok, I really wasn’t going to go into all of that…anyway.

Quick clean up, I’ve missed the train I wanted to catch, so change-up the plans and revise things. I’m late, but not too, too late.

Speed along the highway and over to my exit. It takes twice the amount of time to get off my exit as it did to get over to my exit!

Park the car, remember a paid parking and back on transit.

I’m back at the salon and ready to go and everyone else is…

Totally not ready.

Not anywhere near ready.

It is like herding cats.

People!

After hanging out, talking, having a snack of smoked cheddar and some of the tastiest flat bread I’ve ever had, we are off!

Tonight we are going bowling.

We make it down – surviving a very questionable/dangerous trip to the parking lot, a cab ride through the building traffic into the very core and each other – and to the bowling alley.

And whoa.

We walk in and you know what…I think I did something so right.

The Ballroom.

Good music, place decorated like a downtown bar, wide, comfy leather couches, bar service, lane service, automatic scoring and…how much fun is this?!

We get shoes and drinks and then it is time to bowl!

Boss isn’t sure if anyone will have a good time, so books an hour to start.

We bowl.

I get the first strike of the evening and everyone else follows suit from there – I think we each managed to get one strike!

About half-way through, boss decides to book another hour.

No luck!

Tonight, everyone wants to bowl. There is talk of making this a monthly event or challenging other salons to bowl off. Everyone is laughing and cheering each other on and having a great time.

The hour is over too quickly but the night has just begun.

And what a night.

Tonight, my friends, is Nuit Blanche in TO. We walk in the agreed direction, searching for something to eat and more to drink, we run into art along the way. Yay! Art!

Everyone is out and about and having a good time.

We end up at Shanghai Cowgirl, which I just love. I get some totally yummy perogi and we make very loud asses of ourselves.

After, we are back on the street in search of more art.

More Art, please!

And we find it. Everywhere.

Interesting things and people to see and hear and the night peters out for us – one person leaves due to cold and the rest of us, well, we have things to do in the am.

The people on the subway are…jerks, seriously pushing, shoving and generally getting into each others’ way. One guy is calm and cool and says the to chick pushing her way through “Remain calm, you will get there.” Word, my brother, word.

A pile of people get off and we stake out some personal space, I’m a rock, so we maintain it until it is my stop.

Back to the car and then home and…what a great day! What an excellent night.

Look at me, all with a social life and stuff.

Can’t wait to do it again!

 

The other side

Ended up a “Girls’ Dinner and Game Night” Friday after work, delicious food, excellent company and a board game. I’m not one for board games, but have to tell you it was totally fun.

Could have been the wine?

Could have been the company?

Could have been the food?

Could have been that my team kicked so much butt and won the game?

Who knows?

All I know is that it was a truly excellent way to spend a Friday after a week at work and yep, something to do again.

And yes, everyone loved my hair.

Saturday climbs weren’t awesome, but 6 climbs = 3 x 5.8 + 2 x 5.10- + 1 x 5.10+ so at least we got a few challenging ones mixed in with the super easy ones and we, you know, got out, right?

Getting out is important.

As I was sitting, waiting for my climbing partner (I’m not implying here that she was late, between the arrival time of my train and her drive time in traffic, I often have to wait a bit, no worries and not something that bugs me or anything, sometimes it is nice to have some wait time, quiet time to think) and you know what, I’m done with the grief. Not sure exactly what happened or how it happened or why, but everything everyone has been telling me, writing to me and such and whatnot just…suddenly got through. Like I understood.

And I felt…better.

No apres climb brunch this week ‘cuz I was planning on going up to the second memorial.

I got home, starving and it was this beautiful day and my dad and mum were in the backyard and dad had this full salmon on the BBQ with onions and potatoes and it suddenly hit me that I haven’t sat and eaten with my parents and talked to my dad in over a week. Over a week! And all I could think was how much I wanted to kick back with them.

So I did.

Dad suggested I give my sis-in-law and niece and call and invite them over too.

So I did.

Dad and I had some rum and coconut water, ate some salmon, potatoes, onions, my sis-in-law and niece came over, we have some more to drink and it was so relaxing and just…nice, really, really nice.

We all came in the house and dad turned on the TV to watch a soccer game, mum sat on the couch with my niece and my sis-in-law read some stories to her. I did some reading of my own, but instead of secluding myself like usual, I stayed and read with everyone, game playing in the background, my sis-in-law reading out loud in the background as well.

“Nice, nice, very nice.”

And when my sis-in-law and niece left, I felt chilled out and relaxed and sleepy and loved and about every good thing that comes with good food, good drinks and spending time with people you love and who love you. It was unplanned and casual and fun and lovely.

And you know, a person can’t be sad in the face of that. I can’t.

Not even a little.

I woke up this morning and spent the day doing some training for the job and coming home on the train, now, I feel energized, happy.

I think…I’ve been in mourning for so long, since Seoul, really, I guess and now, my heart is just done being sad. I think about those lessons, about putting things down and listen to my friends about getting past it, getting over it and getting onto and on with things. I think about all the questions I have and I realize there are never going to be answers, these mysteries will remain and you know, I’m ok with that now.

I take a deep breath and I feel…

Ok, I’m ready now. The time for mourning is over.

The Next Great Adventure begins.

Technical difficulties…with my brain

Having problems with the words lately, I mean, with words that are ok for others to read and respond to – been writing mainly the moleskin, ‘cuz these thoughts have been introspective things that half-formed and ill-thought-out.

I’m not exactly sure what to do with half-formed thoughts. Usually, you know, you take a half-formed thought, you roll it around in the brain, you talk about, you breath into it, you feed it and then, one day, it becomes a fully formed thought and something beautiful.

These half-thoughts I’ve been having and things that I don’t want to spend time and energy on – they are already like little monsters, I don’t want them to become monstrosities. They are like ulcers in my brain.

Funeral/memorial was yesterday and the opposite of putting things down and to rest, brought up more questions and confusion, unsettled thoughts and feelings and have to tell you that it was good to put some faces to names and see faces that I recognize, there were these moments when I felt…like I was in the wrong place. And that hurt. And I know, I know, there was estrangement, but some things about people are constant, some things about people don’t change and to know that something changed, that a course of action was chosen, well…the path of last resort, right?

I was most thankful for the presence of my “little brother”, who is not actually my brother in any way, shape or form…except, if you could choose your family, he would be my little brother and I would be his big sister. He stayed close when he arrived, he sat near for me to cling to, in that horrid un-airconditioned room. He held my hand when I needed it, allowed me to whisper a question when I didn’t understand and…borrowed my strength and got up and said a few lovely, kind, truthful and short words about the departed.

His words moved me to sobs, they were truth and so very kind and filled with affection.

My little brother said that when he thinks of Frank he thinks of the words “gravity” and “impact”. He talked about Frank drew amazing people to him and how, when he entered a room, you knew it. He wasn’t sentimental about his words, just truthful and simple and captured everything about Frank in a very simply way.

After I was home, we were messaging and he said that he admired that I can easily talk to so many people and say the right thing. There were many people I sort of knew, and absolutely knew of and in preparing for it, I wondered if they knew, beyond a shadow of doubt that they were loved. I was happy to be able to tell them that Frank had affection and love for them, that he spoke of them, that they were in his heart, that I was sorry. Sometimes other people need to hear the messages that someone said to your ears.

Climbing today – 3 climbs and we tried 2 new ones that we didn’t make it up. I’m having trouble letting go and reaching into space.

We ate and then ended up at the AGO ans saw the exhibit about Abstract Expressionism. Very interesting show and so happy that we saw it.

We spent some time after the show going up the new staircase and then all the way back down  the new renos are beautiful and it does the heart good to see the place looking so good.

Seeing some friends on Monday, and fading into sleep now…

I wonder how to fix my brain.